Supporting the Griever

I have learned SO much about grieving with this experience.  One thing that has really been made apparent to me is that everyone grieves differently.  There is no timetable for grief.  Some need more time than others. Some need more space than others.  Everyone needs different things at different times and it requires patience on everyone's part.  There isn't one right way to grieve.  My eyes have really been opened toward what it's like to grieve.  I want to share some things that I have learned through this experience in hopes that it will help others in the future.

Things To Do ...

• Listen.  When the griever is ready, allow them to freely express their emotions without fear or judgement.  Sometimes shocking, angry feelings are expressed, which are completely normal reactions that require patience and acceptance.  Sometimes the griever needs to discuss the same things over and over as a way to work through some difficult emotions. For me, at first I needed space and I wasn't ready to talk for a few weeks.  Later, while trying to process all these difficult emotions, I needed to talk.  I love it when people ask questions.  It shows that they really care and want to know what we are going through.  
• Do Not Avoid Those That Are Grieving or Ignore the Loss .  It can be awkward being around someone who is grieving a loss.  Sometimes we don't know what to say because we don't want to 'make it worse'.  So we avoid it and say nothing at all.  We don't want to 'remind' them of their loss.   Unfortunately, this makes the griever think no one cares.  The reality is we think about it every day.  I love it when people ask me how I am doing and want to talk about Jackson.  I am glad to know that people still think of our family and haven't forgotten us.  I also love it when people mention Jackson by name.  It means so much to me to know that other's recognize him as a real person.  If you are uneasy about what the griever needs from you, just ask!  It means so much to know that others care!
• Service.  It helps SO much when you are specific about what you would like to help with.  It is so hard asking for help.  It means SO much when someone sees a need and offers to help.  There are so many ways to help someone who is grieving.  Meals brought in, offering to watch children, are excellent ways to help.  I know I have said a million times 'Let me know if there is anything I can do for you'.  The griever is usually not in the mindset to even know what they need let alone tell you how you can help them.  For example, it has been so helpful for me when someone has said 'I am bringing you dinner tonight, what time would be best?' rather, than 'Can I bring you dinner sometime?' I love this analogy I read about recently:  If you see a drowning man do you ask him if he needs help? Or do you jump in and save him right away?  It helps so much to have some of our daily burdens lifted by others when we need it most.  
• Meaningful Gifts and Remembrance.  Thoughtful gifts mean so much to the bereaved.  I nice handwritten card, figurines, plants or flowers, beautiful music, books, pictures etc.  It is a beautiful way to honor their loved one.  I have kept every card and note given to us in a special box and I love to reread them and see how much others care for us.  We have been given so many treasures to honor our sweet baby boy as well as things meant to bring comfort to us.  I really appreciate the love and thought that went into each one.  Even something small can go a long way!
• Thoughtfulness when it is needed most. Holidays, birthdays, the anniversary of the death, due date etc.  are really hard for grieving families.  It means so much to be remembered on these difficult days.  Even a phone call to let us know that you are thinking of us can mean so much!   
• Patience and Unconditional Love.  Grieving is hard!  Sometimes it's hard to understand why someone who is grieving says or does things a certain way.  Please realize we are hurting deeply and we don't mean to offend others.  I have really appreciated all the love and patience I have received from caring friends and family.   
• Remember the husband and children.  They are grieving too.  It means so much to my husband when people ask him how he is doing too!  We are in this together, but we are also individuals and it's important for his feelings to be acknowledged too.  My kids struggle with the loss of their brother.  It's nice to know that people are thinking of them too.  

Please Don't . . .

• Never Compare Tragedies.  It is so common to compare the tragedy of one person with an other's. I know people mean well, but it often leaves the griever feeling like their loss was minimized.  You are sometimes comparing things that don't have much in common.  A loss is a loss and it needs to be acknowledged, not minimized.  

Do Not Philosophize.  There are many cliche statements that are well intentioned, but can be really hurtful.  Most of us know of the Lord's Plan for us and we don't want to be reminded if it at this time.  Some other phrases that I have heard for my situation that can be hurtful are:

 'It is for the best, it's natures way of taking care of things.'  For us, 'the best' is a healthy baby.   In many cases it doesn't even apply to the situation.  

'They are in a better place'  We know where they are, but we are still sad because they are not here with us.

'The Lord needed them at this time' We need them at this time too.

'You still have other children' or 'You can still have other children'. I love my other children SO much, but that doesn't make this loss any less difficult.  And, having another baby could never replace the special one we lost.  

'You need to 'Get Over It' sometime, life goes on.'  You don't ever get over the loss of a child.  You move forward and are able to cope with it better over time.  But, you never get over it.  

'I know how you feel' Unless you have lost a child, you can't know how I feel.  Grief is very personal and individualistic.  

• Please don't assume everything is fine.  Every minute of every day is different.  Please don't assume that since I am trying to resume my normal activities that everything is okay now.  A lot of people had the misconception after we returned from a pre-planned trip to Hawaii that was scheduled a week after our loss, that we were better.  Although it was nice to getaway for a bit and try and regroup, it didn't fix anything.  Please realize that we are still grieving and we appreciate sincere concern and understanding.  
• Do not set a timetable for grief.  A lot of people think we should have a week or two to be sad and then we need to move on.  The reality is, that it takes much longer.  Many people experience deep grief for up to two years.  Since grief is so individualistic, you can't compare how one person seemed to get over it quickly while another is still struggling.  Please allow time and space for the them to grieve how they need to. Please don't expect us to participate in activities we don't feel comfortable with yet.  

     Lastly, it's important to remember that grievers need a loving support system.  It makes it so much easier for those that are grieving if they can rely on others who care for them.  It requires forgiveness on both sides along the way and unconditional love and compassion.  I am really hoping that my own grief will help me reach out to others and help them in ways I didn't even understand before.  I hope to be able to bring them the faith, hope, and peace they are seeking for during their difficult times.