There has been a huge baby boom this year among all our friends, family, neighbors, and ward members. At first I thought it was just something I was exaggerating because obviously I am more aware of things like that right now. But, the more I think about it, I really don't think it's 'just me overreacting'. Everywhere I go and pretty much everyone I know is either pregnant or recently had a baby. . .
My sister and sister-in-law both had babies this year that they weren't even trying for. There have also been many family members that have had babies this year or who are now pregnant. In the past 5 days I have even found out about 2 cousins that are expecting. In our group of close friends there have been 9 babies born this year and we have 4 friends who are still pregnant. The ironic thing is that some of them haven't had a baby for several years and yet they all had one this year except me. I can't even get on Facebook anymore without someone either announcing their pregnancy or posting pictures of their newborn. It happens every time I get on. I have over 40 people hidden from my Facebook feed for this reason and I am continually hiding people almost daily. In our ward there have been 4 babies born this year already. One was just two weeks ago and another was just last week and there is another due this week. There are 3 others due fairly soon too. We have not had a baby boom like this in the 7 1/2 years we have lived here in this ward and it just happened to coincide perfectly with our loss. ( I have had a lot of issues with being at church lately because of this, I think I will save all that for a later post . . . .). On my street there are 11 houses including mine and there are two pregnant people. One of them is due this week with a boy and she lives right across the street. Fabulous.
They are everywhere. There is no escaping it. Today I took Elise to her gymnastics and while I was sitting in the lobby waiting for her to finish up there were two women one was about 8 months pregnant and the other had a 1 1/2 month old. I had to listen to them talk about babies and pregnancy the whole time I was there. Literally. The whole time. It was all I could do to fight tears the entire time. At the grocery store yesterday I stood in with a pregnant woman in front of me and one behind me. They talked over me about their pregnancies the entire time. It was awful.
The emotional pain I have had to experience because of all this has been beyond excruciating. It literally is like salt in an open wound. Each time I hear about another pregnant person I want to SCREAM!
And to top all this off I haven't been able to ovulate for 4 months now. My doctor wants to run some tests on me when my next cycle starts. I am anxious to get the testing process started, but my period won't start. It is 2 weeks late right now and I don't feel any signs of it getting ready to start. And NO, I am NOT pregnant. I have taken 2 home pregnancy tests and a blood test and they are all negative. My doctor is hesitant to have me take any medication to induce a period because it may affect the testing, so I have to wait. And wait. And wait. Who knows when it will ever start. I used to always be so regular and now my body is completely messed up. It is driving me CRAZY! It is dashing all my hopes because I don't even have the chance of even becoming pregnant if I don't ovulate. And I don't have a shot at ovulating if my period won't even start. So there you have it. And I have to deal with this while watching one person after another get pregnant or have a baby. This is my life now.
And, no one even understands. People think I am 'over it' now because I go through the motions of going to church, the gym, and all my other daily tasks. But, that couldn't be further from the truth. People who haven't ever been through something like this (which is pretty much every person I know) have NO IDEA how awful it is. It is a daily hurt that will NEVER go away. Everyone has moved on and is too busy to care anymore. I know their are some who care and I am SO grateful for them and everything they have done, but the majority of people I know have probably already forgotten. In their minds they think 'It's no big deal, she can just get pregnant again'. Well, little do they know, that is NOT how it works for some of us. It's not as 'easy' as it looks.
WOW! It feels a little better to let out some of this!
2 comments:
wow. Just reading this post brought out so much emotion for me. I have been there too at gymnastics wishing I could mute the conversations of the women talking about their pregnancies and all the details over me. It is horrible to sit through. I have noticed an unusual baby boom in my family too. 8 babies born the year I lose mine. I'm sooo sorry you are sufering through infertility along with grief. I'm glad you have a safe place here to relieve some of that emotion. I am thinking of you!
Kim, I am at a loss for words... my heart is broken for you.... You are truly having to suffer SO much right now, it is beyond tragic. Please believe me when I honestly and lovingly say that it literally pains me to see you suffering such inconceivable, such excruciatingly intense emotional pain and grief and also feel alone, because I have experienced my own intense emotional pain and suffering myself and felt completely isolated and alone in it....It has been the darkest time of my life...beyond all description. And so it truly hurts me to see you suffering SO much!!! Please do not misunderstand me, I do not at ALL pretend to profess that I know how you feel or what you are going through, because most absolutely I do not! I have never had to experience what you are going through right now. I can only try to imagine what it must feel like, and just imagining it is beyond heartbreaking, but comes NO where near the reality of the all encompassing grief you are undoubtedly having to struggle with daily! You are completely entitled to how you are feeling right now and of course, NO WAY could you be over this already!! I can't believe how anyone could possibly expect you to suddenly be 'over it' when you never truly will be! I can totally understand why it would be so hard for you to be at church. I want to apologize again, Kim, that it took me so long to approach you about your loss. As one who has been part of the baby boom in our ward this year, I was horribly afraid and self-conscious that my mere presence caused you pain, and I am certain that at times it has, (But that is not your fault at all. Anyone going through what you are would feel the same way. I know I certainly would.) and so I reasoned that talking to you would only make you feel uncomfortable and worse.... So I kept my distance and avoided talking to you because I was afraid of causing you more pain, but I realize that waiting to let you know how I cared and being afraid to talk to you about it was a mistake and I'm sure only made you feel like I was ignorant and didn't care at all. I am sure it still is not easy for you to be around me at times or to talk to me, and I completely understand and respect that. But I want you to know that I truly care deeply about you and what you are going through and my heart is ACHING to help lift you and help you bear this immense burden you are carrying. I want to be a listening ear, a shoulder you can cry on without fear.... And I understand that talking to me may be too strange or too difficult for you, and if it is, that is Okay and I understand and respect that! But I want you to know how much I love you and want to be there for you because suffering the way you are is too much to bear on your own. This intense suffering requires many to help bear the burden and help you find healing. I promise you that I CARE and will continue to care about you and will continue to ask you how you are. And if it is ever too difficult for you to talk to me or see me, please tell me. I PROMISE, you would not offend me! Healing is a very complex, difficult, and lonely journey to say the least. Know that I am always thinking of you and praying for you. Love you!
Lindsay Herd
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