Facing The World

  One of my biggest struggles now is dealing with people.  I really try to only do what I can handle as far as social settings.  I am trying not to feel pressured into interacting with people in social settings where I don't feel comfortable.  I have really had to shield myself from the world to avoid images of babies and pregnant women.  I have come to realize that I am not alone in this.  I have met many other 'angel moms' who feel exactly the same way.
     I do not attend baby showers, and so far most people have been understanding of that.  Even the sight of a baby shower invitation is extremely difficult.  I can't stand being around when people 'show off' their new babies and grand babies.  While I understand that it is exciting for all of them, it is too painful for me to witness.  Sometimes I can't even watch a T.V. show where a women is pregnant or gives birth.  Even though it isn't real, I just can't take it!  I still have a hard time (and probably always will) with pregnant people complaining.  I heard a pregnant woman recently complaining that she was due in July, the hottest month of the year.  Women who complain about things like that have obviously never been through anything remotely similar to what I have been through.  Little things like that drive me crazy!  Contrary to what many people think, I don't 'hate' all pregnant people and I am not angry or resentful of them in any way.  It is just a difficult reminder of what I don't have and would give anything for.  That is why it is so hard to hear them complain.
     I have a really hard time facing women who had a baby around the same time I would have had Jackson. I have gotten to know many 'angel moms' who feel the same way about that too.  It was different for the miscarriages I had.  It was difficult seeing my friends and family having those babies that would have been due close to the same time as either of my miscarriages, but it is SO much harder with my loss of Jackson for so many reasons. I was pregnant with these women.  We were due so close together.  And they all went on to have healthy babies after I lost mine.  I have to look at their babies grow and develop and only imagine what Jackson would be like if he were here.  I have to see their babies go through the various stages and wonder 'would Jackson be smiling now or rolling over?'  This is why I have so many people blocked on Facebook.  It is too painful to see all their babies milestones every time I log on.   As awful as my miscarriages were, they don't even compare to the loss of my little boy.  After my miscarriages it was a little bit difficult to be around pregnant women and babies, but now, after the loss of Jackson,  it is excruciating.  It literally feels like torture sometimes.  I still think of all three of my losses as my babies and I miss them very much.  Unless you have been in my situation, it is hard to understand how hard it is to face all these pregnant women and newborns.  I love the angel mom community because unlike most of my friends and family they know what it is like.  They understand my pain in a way that other well meaning people I know never will.  And they don't judge me for my thoughts and feelings.  I feel like I can be much more open with them than I can with almost anyone else.  I had one angel mom tell me that every time she saw a baby or a pregnant woman she would get an awful feeling in her stomach and a lump in her throat and sometimes have to fight back tears.  It feels so good knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way all the time!
    I am trying to keep in mind that some of these women with their new babies who I am having a hard time with might have gone through hell to get them.  They may  have been adopted.  The mother might have been through six rounds of in vitro fertilization and spent $100,000 before she got a miracle.  I realize that the other side of the tunnel looks the same to everyone, no matter what the journey is like.  I am trying my best to spin my thinking so that the sight of all these pregnant women and babies everywhere will give me hope that one day that might be me.  I am trying to wake up each day and remember that I am one day closer to the end of my struggles.