My Turn

    I know this might sound selfish to some people, but I believe it  is MY turn to be pregnant.  A little over 3 years ago I had to watch many of my friends, family and many ward members be pregnant and have babies.  We were patiently waiting for Jason to finish graduate school before we tried for our 3rd child, so I had to sit back and watch.  While I wished it was me who was pregnant, at the time I was genuinely happy for all of them.  I even helped throw 5 different baby showers in one year for several of them.  A month after Jason finished graduate school in June, I stopped taking birth control.  We decided to 'see what would happen'.    We weren't exactly actively trying to get pregnant, but we weren't necessarily trying to stop it either.   Our main reason was because we thought it would be nice to have a 'fall baby' and we wanted to get pregnant towards the first of the coming year.  This was back when we thought we could 'control' when we conceived.  Meanwhile, everyone had their babies.  It was a little hard to watch, but I had great hopes that soon it would be my turn.  At the beginning of the new year we really got serious about trying.  I began doing ovulation tests every month and taking every measure possible to get pregnant.  After several months of no luck, we started getting discouraged.  It didn't help that many people were noticing that 'Elise was turning 2 and we should be ready for another one'.  Several well meaning friends and relatives who didn't know that we had been trying for so long even tried to give us advice about how it 'really wasn't a big deal to take care of 3 kids'.  They had assumed we were holding off on getting pregnant for our own 'selfish' reasons.  I got asked all the time if I was pregnant.  I swear, you can't have a child over the age of two without everyone thinking you should be pregnant with another.  Anytime I got sick for any reason everyone assumed I was pregnant.  It was really difficult to have so much pressure from so many different angles when the ironic thing was we were trying to get pregnant and had been trying for almost a year.  I don't know why people try to make things like this their business, but they do.
  Finally, after about 9 months of being off birth control I got pregnant.  We were overjoyed because my sister had just announced her pregnancy and we would be due less than two weeks apart.  It was so exciting to think that our baby would have a little cousin to play with the same exact age.  We immediately started making our 'baby plans'.  It was beyond heart breaking to lose that baby when I was a little over 7 weeks along.  This was my first miscarriage, so I really held out hope that it was just spotting, but it wasn't.  Jason and I went in to the doctors office and they did an ultrasound.  They could see the 'sac' close to the opening of my cervix.  The doctor decided to take it out since it was close to the opening and almost ready to pass anyways.  It was really painful physically, but the emotional pain was much worse.  I remember him pulling 'our baby' out and putting it in a little jar to be tested.  It was a very surreal feeling seeing 'your baby' put in a jar on a shelf.  It was awful.   I continued to bleed for a long time after that.   I remember going to a family get together during the most painful (physical) time of the miscarriage and having to watch my sister announce her pregnancy to everyone.  We didn't tell hardly anyone about the miscarriage.  I really don't know why.  I think I just didn't want everyone feeling 'sorry' for me and I wanted to handle it on my own.  Then, only 2  weeks later, my sister-in-law announced her surprise pregnancy.  It really felt like a slap in the face.   Here, we had been trying for a year and they get a 'surprise' baby.  I am not blaming he our anyone else for my pain, she didn't even know about our troubles, it was just really hard to take.  I eventually told her and a few others about the miscarriage.  I wanted everyone to know that we weren't being 'selfish' and prolonging having a baby.  Everyone I told was really supportive and nice.
   After letting another cycle go by after the miscarriage, we resumed trying.  During this time we had several friends announce their pregnancies. I tried really hard to be happy for them, but it was very difficult in light of everything we were dealing with.  Finally, 4 months later, we found out we were pregnant!  I was SO excited!  I really felt like this time it would work.  Because of the miscarriage, we didn't want to tell anyone about this pregnancy.  During this time I found out about several friends and family members who were also pregnant.  Now that I finally was, I found it much easier to be happy for them.  At about 6 1/2 weeks  I started cramping again and realized I was most likely going to miscarry.  Jason was out of town at the time to I had to go to the doctor alone.  They did an ultrasound and told me that most everything had already passed.  He said I would likely pass everything else within the next week.  Jason was able to get a flight out the next day and come home.  But, that first night all by myself was really difficult.  We told more people after this miscarriage.  We were tired of everyone assuming we were pregnant and we wanted them to know that we were struggling.
  Again I waited for another cycle to pass to resume trying.  Meanwhile, a few other friends, ward member, and family came out with their good expecting news. Many of these women were part of the first baby boom I had witnessed 2 years earlier.  It was very frustrating to see with all our struggles we had already endured.  After another 4 months of trying we were finally pregnant again.  It was SO nice getting past that first 7 weeks when those 2 miscarriages had occurred.  Meanwhile several more friends, ward members, and family members again came out with the news that they were expecting.  Many of them were due within a few days/weeks of me, so it was really exciting.  I was so happy to be part of this 'baby boom'.  When the bleeding started at week 13 I was devastated.  I really didn't want to lose another pregnancy.  I was twice as far along with this one and It scared me to death to think about how painful it would be.  I won't go into all the details about this again, but after 9 weeks of bleeding we eventually had more complications due to an infection and we lost our little boy, Jackson, at 21 weeks.  It was the worst pain physically and emotionally that I have ever experienced in my entire life.  I remember sitting in the hospital and having it dawn on me that I would have to watch everyone I know have their babies when I should have had mine.  It was excruciating to think about.  And that's exactly what has happened.  I have had to watch one baby after another be born.  Many of them were due very close to my due date with Jackson.  Now, I have to look at everyone else's babies and see what I am missing out on.  I have to see them going through their various stages and think about what it would be like to have Jackson here going through those stages too.
   Now, the reason I am getting into this is because I really feel like it is MY turn to be pregnant.  While going through this nightmare for the past 3 years I had to watch many of the same people have babies twice. I felt skipped over the first time and then it happened all over again.  It is extremely unfair that I have had to suffer through this for SO long while many of the same people have multiple births.  Lately I have had several people tell me they are going to 'try again' now.  A few of them have been struggling to get pregnant.  I have compassion for them because I definitely know what it's like to get discouraged when you have been trying for a long time.  I know each and every one of them has the right to have a baby whenever they want, but it's  MY turn.  MY TURN!!!!  I have had to wait much longer than them and it is my turn.  Elise is almost 5!  I am beginning to forget what it is like to have a baby at home.  I really don't mean this to sound selfish or mean towards people who are struggling.  I really do wish the best for all my friends and family, but it is my turn to experience that same joy that all of them have gotten to experience much more recently than I.  I really don't want to be misunderstood and I am not trying to discount anyone's pain and suffering.  It is just so heartbreaking to watch people have baby after baby after baby and I am not even allowed to have one.  
   Unfortunately I still haven't had my period.  It is 3 weeks late now.  And no, I am not pregnant.  My body is just extremely messed up.  I just hate knowing everyone else will be getting pregnant for the 2nd or 3rd time since Jason and I started our ordeal over 3 years ago and I can't even try right now!  It is MY TURN!!!