Church

  I hesitated in even posting about this because I really don't want to offend anyone, but one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with after everything I have been through is going back to church.  I really wish this weren't the case, but I struggle with it every week.  My counselor said that she meets with so many different people who have experienced so many different things and something that almost all of them have in common is going back to church.  For various reasons they all feel uncomfortable and even judged there.  It's really sad, because if anything it should be a place we can go that is free of all that, but that is often not the case.
    I want to be clear about one thing:  this has absolutely nothing to do with my testimony or my faith.  I have a firm testimony of the gospel and my faith has not shaken at all, if anything it has grown even stronger.  My testimony of specific gospel principles like the 'Plan of Salvation' have grown a lot over the past year.  This experience has actually strengthened me in many ways spiritually.
   My problem with church is more with people.  I have had a lot of support from several people in my ward, which I really appreciate.  But, I really feel like most people really don't understand or even really care about what I have been through.  I have had very few people actually say or do anything to show that they care since this happened.  My ward was very supportive when I was on bed rest.  They brought in a LOT of meals and helped watch my kids and clean my house.  I really appreciated all this more than they know.  But, after we lost our son the support all but vanished.  With the exception of a few people, I felt like we were completely abandoned.  I am trying to not judge anyone too harshly because they really just don't understand, but it has been very difficult.  There were were times when I would walk down the hall at church and people would turn away.  I know many of them must of felt awkward or didn't know what to say, but for me, it felt terrible to be ignored like that.  I know people haven't meant to hurt me, but it is still hard.
    I think part of the problem is that it originally got spread around the ward that I had a 'miscarriage'.  I don't think many people knew how far along I was because I had been on bed rest and missed quite a bit of church.  Also, I think most people don't know the difference between what is considered a miscarriage and what is considered a stillborn.  Since Jackson was born after 20 weeks, he was considered a 'stillborn'.  It was really difficult to have people come up to me and say they were sorry to hear about my 'miscarriage' and then go on to tell about their own 'miscarriages'.  I understand that miscarriages are awful, I have had 2 myself, but Jackson was NOT a miscarriage.  I think people aren't as empathetic towards someone who had a miscarriage because they are more common.  They don't really view it as a big deal.  This line of thinking drives me crazy.  Even if it were a miscarriage, that is still the loss of a child.  I don't care how far along you were.  I wish people were more sensitive towards it.
   Another thing that has been really difficult is having to witness a huge baby boom in my ward that happened to coincide perfectly with our loss.  There were 7 babies born very close to when I would have been due with Jackson.  There are actually two more women in my ward who are still pregnant right now.  It has been absolutely excruciating to see all of them at church each week and hear all their happy updates about their perfect pregnancies.  I don't think their has ever been a Relief Society 'good news minute' for the past 8 months that hasn't been about someones pregnancy, baby, or even grand baby.  Every week for quite a while their was either an announcement about a birth, a baby blessing, or an announcement about a baby shower.  Every month the Relief Society newsletter has a picture of one of the new babies on it.  It has been all anyone can talk about.  I've had to overhear conversations almost every week about 'how great it is that we have all these adorable babies in our ward'.  It is still difficult to be around, because now I have to see all these babies each week and know Jackson would have been the same age and doing the same things they are doing.  It is a constant reminder of what I have lost.  It has also really hurt that most of these 'moms' have not said a word to me since this happened.  I know it is probably especially awkward and uncomfortable for them to be around me and they don't want to make it 'worse' for me, but I really want to be acknowledged.
      It got to be so unbearable at one point that I stopped going to church altogether for a few months.  My counselor gave me some great advice.  She said it wasn't worth the emotional pain I was putting myself through each week to be there.  It was becoming almost impossible to get anything good out of church.  I really struggled with this because I NEVER miss church.  I felt really guilty not being there and I really missed taking the sacrament.  But, at least I wasn't putting myself through emotional torture each week by being there.  Jason has been really supportive of me during this difficult time.  He has taken the kids to church by himself many times.  I know it was really hard for him to see me in pain each week during and after church and he fully supported me in my 'break' from church.
   Now that some time has passed, I think people think I have 'moved on'.  I have tried to go back to church these past few weeks.  It has been really difficult.  There have been several times I wanted to leave, but someone how I found the strength to stay.  It was particularly difficult when we had a lesson about 'being happy throughout your trials'.  There were some comments made that were difficult to hear.  I have tried really hard not to judge or be too offended because I know these comments weren't made about me or with me in mind, but it was really hard to be there.  Jason had a similar experience in his lesson on the same topic.  I know we have all experienced trials in our lives, but I feel like people who haven't experienced anything remotely similar or difficult as what we have been through can sometimes make the most insensitive comments.  I know they aren't intentionally trying to be hurtful, but it can be really hard to take.
      I know I am not alone in this.  I have talked to many other angel moms and people who have experienced difficult trials too and they all feel the same way.  Church can really be a struggle. It has brought me so much comfort to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this and felt this way.  It is slowly becoming easier to be there.  I really hope I can push through this difficult phase and get to a point where I feel comfortable at church again!