When Are You Going To Have Kids?

     Something that literally drives me crazy is the extremely personal question that many people think is appropriate to ask:  ' When are you going to have kids?' Or in my case:  'When are you going to have another kid?'  I cannot tell you how many times I got asked this question in our struggles to conceive this 3rd child with the many months of trying and miscarriages etc.  At times it literally made me so angry I wanted to punch the person (who in most cases really meant well).  IT IS NOT ANY ONE'S BUSINESS!   You have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on with someone and why they don't have kids or why they don't have more kids.  Just because you wanted to space your kids every 2 years doesn't mean someone else wants to do that or even has that option.  I think a lot of people assumed that with my case since I already had two kids I could just go ahead and have another one whenever I wanted and everything would be just peachy.  Just because some people can do that doesn't mean that everyone can.
     I think it has a lot to do with the LDS culture.  Our culture is very centered around families and having children.  While there is nothing wrong with that, it is very painful for those who are trying their very best to have a family and are struggling.  I know Mother's and Father's Day can be excruciating for couples who are dealing with infertility.  I think that the way we often 'praise' Motherhood and Fatherhood can sometimes make people who are going through these issues feel like they are doing something wrong or like they 'don't measure up' which is SO NOT true.  Having children or even having more children can be a very difficult situation for many couples and we need to be more aware of how easy it is to hurt people without even realizing it. 
    A little over a year from the time we had started 'trying' and not long after our first miscarriage there were several talks during General Conference about 'Not waiting to have kids'.  I actually had several people ask me if I heard those talks. Then they would hint around and basically let me know that I shouldn't postpone having kids for what they assumed were 'selfish reasons'.  They couldn't be more wrong.  We were doing everything we could to add to our family and it felt like a huge slap in the face to get lectured on ' why we shouldn't wait'.  Or 'why three kids really isn't that hard . . . .' like we were waiting because we 'couldn't handle the pressure of 3' like others could.  Seriously???  Unless you know some one's situation, DO NOT ASSUME you know what is going on with them.
   I can't stand listening to people talk about how many kids they plan on having and how spaced out they will be like it's that easy.  Although it may work that way for some people it is definitely not that way for everyone.  For some of us it is not a 'choice'.  Some people think it's 'cute' or 'funny' to tease people about having kids or pressure them by saying things like 'you need to get pregnant so we can have kids the same age . . ' etc.  It is NOT cute or funny to someone who is struggling to get pregnant. 

     My sister-in-law found a great article written by an LDS dad talking about the struggles he and his wife experienced with their infertility issues and how difficult it could be to deal with the insensitivity of others who didn't understand what they are going through. 
So, When Are You Going To Have Kids?

     I loved some of the suggestions he made for how to deal with people you know who are struggling with these issues.  I adapted several of them to fit my situation. 

Here are my suggestions:

1. Don’t ask people anything related to when they are having kids or more kids etc. It is way to personal a question and none of your business.  For someone who is already struggling, I promise you, it is a huge slap in the face.  Family planning is extremely personal and infertility issues, miscarriages etc, are very painful.   Just remember that asking someone you don’t know too well or even a close friend or family member who happens to be more private about when they are going to have kids is far more personal than asking how much credit card debt they have.  Unless you have been through it you couldn't possibly understand. If they want to talk about it, they will bring it up. 
2. The culture within the church needs to change to be mindful of those who might possibly be in your group or congregation who are struggling with infertility. So don’t ever make statements that may make those with fertility issues feel excluded. “Unless you have a child of your own, you’ll NEVER understand the true love of a child” (true story). “Until you’re pregnant, you’ll never understand what it means to truly bond with your child…” etc etc–because maybe someone in that group just got the news that they will NEVER get pregnant. Just remember, not everyone is following your timeline, and not everyone CAN follow your timeline–but would love to.   Be aware that although children are a blessing, not everyone has been given the opportunity to have one.  Just because some people have been 'blessed' with a child or several does NOT mean they are a better person or more deserving.  Please be sensitive towards those who are struggling and don't assume that you know what they are going through, because you don't. 
3. If you find out that someone is struggling with infertility, please love them with everything you got. Hug them if you can. Cry with them if you can. A dream of theirs just got shattered and taken away. Yes, there’s adoption, but let them accept that later on. Be with them NOW, as if they’d just lost a loved one. Trust me, whatever brave face they are showing you is trying to hide some serious pain of all kinds.
4. Don't assume anything.  If someone already has children, don't ask when they are going to have more or assume that they are 'waiting' for selfish reasons etc.  You have no idea what others are going through.  And don't every assume that since someone has been married for a certain period of time, or had their last baby a certain period of time ago, and (according to YOU) should now be trying to have children.  Please be sensitive and realize that there may be more to the situation than you are aware of (because it is none of your business in the first place) and keep your mouth shut. 
5. Never 'joke' or 'make light' of the fact that someone doesn't have kids or isn't having more kids.  To someone who is desperate to get pregnant it  can be very painful to have people joke about and pressure them about something that already consumes their everyday life.  Be more sensitive. 
6. Don't compare them to other people.  Every situation and every person is different.  Don't say things like 'at least you already have kids, I know someone who can't have any'.  Whether they already have two or three kids and are desperate for another or are still struggling for their first, you need to realize that ALL these situations are hard.  Be respectful. 

   I am not writing about this to call anyone out specifically.  I just think that most people really aren't aware of how hurtful they can be sometimes.  In my case I know that most people really do mean well when they ask these personal questions, but they need to realize that it can be very painful to hear.  I hope people can learn from my situation and hopefully treat their friends and family with more sensitivity in the future.  Remember, you can never really know what someone else is going through.