Shattered

     I am having the hardest time explaining all these complex feelings and emotions I am experiencing since we lost Jackson.  I was talking to a dear friend recently who has also also lost a child and she had a great analogy that I have found helpful:  Your life is a life a giant stain glass window.  When you lose a child that window is shattered.  At first you are in shock and can't do anything about it.  But, eventually you have to put  it back together one piece at a time.
   I really like the part about putting 'one piece at a time' back together.  It's impossible to work on everything at once.  Losing a child effects so many areas of your life.  One of the 'pieces' I have been trying to work on is my ability to relate to others.  My perspective has changed drastically with the loss of our son.  I see everything so differently now.  I am finding it really hard to relate to most of my old friends and family. Everyone means well, but I don't feel comfortable around most of them.  There is an awkwardness now that wasn't there before.  I don't know what to say to them anymore than they know what to say to me.  I don't even know how to talk about what I have been through with many of my friends and family.  I desperately want them to understand, but it's almost impossible for that to happen.  I know people love me and care about what I am going through, they just don't know how to express it.  It's hard, because I feel like some people are avoiding me.  I have talked to Jason extensively about this and he told me I need to 'close my inner circle'.  I need to only be around people and situations I feel comfortable with.  This is something I have really tried to do.  Each day I try to gauge what I can handle based on how I am feeling.  There are still some social situations that are tough.  I am trying to avoid those for now and stick with 'my inner circle' and what I feel comfortable with.  One of the hardest things about this process is feeling like I lost a lot of friends.  They haven't done anything wrong, it's just too hard for me to be around them.  I know my true friends will stick with me no matter what though. Hopefully, at some point I will be able to put this 'piece' of my life back together.
       Even though the dreams I had for my family have been 'shattered' as well, I am trying to put together a new dream.  It may not be what I thought, but eventually I will come to a place where I can be happy with everything.