Not Ready to Say Goodbye . . .

    I was cleaning up and re-organizing some things in Elise's room today.  The plan had been for her  and Jackson to share a room.  I opened a drawer in one of the dressers and it was filled with Jackson's baby clothes.  It really took me back.  I completely forgot about putting them there.  I remember folding them nicely and getting them all ready for his birth this October.  The ironic thing is, I bought most of them the day before he was born at a yard sale.  I had held off on buying him clothes for so long because we were so worried about my bleeding issues I had been having with my pregnancy.  That was the first time I allowed myself to buy him some clothes and things for him and get excited for his arrival into our family.  As a sat and stared at these little outfits I came to the sad realization that he won't be wearing any of them.  I pulled several of them out of the drawer and tried to picture him in them.  I tried to imagine where we would be and what we would be doing with Jackson here in these little clothes.  They are all newborn outfits that I got specifically to keep him warm this winter.  I even got him a little hat to wear on Halloween.  He was supposed to be here with our family this Halloween!  I was supposed to have a baby this year for all the holidays!  I don't know if I have been in denial or what, but it has really dawned on me that he is not coming home.  He will not be wearing those little outfits and shoes and he will not be sleeping in that crib.  As difficult as this realization is, I know I need to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to change it.  It is so hard to say goodbye.  I am not emotionally ready to go through his things.  I shut the drawer and left the room.  I am not in a place where I can empty that drawer yet or take down the crib.  I know that putting his things away is a huge step is saying goodbye and I am not ready for it yet. So for now, everything will stay as it is.  Waiting for a baby boy that won't be coming home to us.