A New Dream . . .

    While the death of a parent, sibling, friend or other acquaintance represents a loss of your past, when your baby dies you lose a part of your future.  You grieve not only for your child, but for your parenthood.  Right now I am grieving for all the things I had been looking forward to sharing with Jackson.  The holidays are coming up and we are going to have lots of family gatherings in which Jackson's presence will be missed.  Losing a child at any stage is extremely hard.  Many parents that lose children who are older miss having them around because of the many memories they shared with them.  They were such a huge part of their lives and it's hard to go on with out them there, especially with all the reminders of past times shared.  When you lose a baby you grieve the loss of memories you didn't have a chance to make.  Whenever I see a little boy that would have been the same age as Jackson I know I will think about my son.  I will wonder what he would look like and what he would be doing if he were here. That is one of the reasons I am having a difficult time with all my pregnant friends and family.  I will always have that reminder when I see their kids.  I will always feel like Jackson is missing and should be playing with them too.  Everyone has been so sweet and sensitive to this and I know none of them are trying in any way to hurt me.  It's just the reality of the situation.  I hope it will get easier in the future.
     When you lose a child, you also lose an important branch in your family tree as you consider the prospective generations that might have been.  I will miss witnessing Jackson grow up in this life and have a family of his own.  I feel like part of our families future has been taken away. 
     It's amazing how things like this can change your plans.  We never planned on having such a huge gap between our kids.  It makes me laugh now to think of all the times I told people we were going to have 'this many kids by a certain time'.  I never thought about it this way, but these things are not completely in our control.  I know there are some families out there who were able to have all the kids they wanted according to their own family plan.  Unless you have been in a position like mine you can't fully grasp how lucky you are.  I had always pictured my family with four kids by now.  I am trying my best to look at the situation a little different:  I don't have three kids, I was blessed with three kids.  I know that all blessings come from God.   I know God loves me and he has given me so much!  
       As hard as it is to let go of my dream for my family, I am so grateful and feel fortunate to have two living children.  They have brought me so much joy and happiness!   I know I have been truly blessed! I am trying my best to be happy and create a new dream for my family.