We have suffered a tremendous loss and we need to grieve. Even though this may be uncomfortable for others around us, it's something we MUST do. We won't be over this in a few weeks as most people expect. We will be able to adjust to the loss of our precious child if we are given the time needed to grieve. (Average intense grieving is 18-24 months.) However, we will not be the same people we were before our loss.
We may need to talk about our baby, how much we loved our child and the details of our experience. Even though we may not have many memories we suffer from broken dreams. During this time, we need others to be there and listen to us time and again. This is the kindest thing a person can do for us. We do not want to forget our baby and we ill need to mention them in the future. It would be appreciated if you would remember our baby, especially on difficult days such as anniversary days, birthdays, Christmas and Mother's and Father's Day.
In our struggles with our grief, we may have difficulties with the following:
- understanding our many emotions and feeling emotionally balanced
- dealing with normal daily functions due to lack of energy
- coping with the individuality of our grief as a family and as a couple
- sharing family celebrations
- seeing babies and children that are the same age our child would have been
- feeling different and subsequently feeling isolated
- dealing with physical symptoms that arise due to grieving
If we sound a little selfish, please understand. Only after we are able to adjust and experience the journey of grief can we reach out and help others. One day we will be able to live life in a fuller manner.
We try not to criticize others. Before our baby died, we didn't understand the full impact this loss has. We want to share this painful experience with you so others can understand our need for support. No one will be able to take our pain away, but perhaps they can be there to listen.
Here are a few ideas from 'Share's website for friends and family to help . . .
Please avoid philosophizing and cliches. Things not to say include: 'You'll have more children", "Your child is in a better place", It's so easy to want to fix things with a cheery comment, but even though they may be well-intentioned, the seldom help. Offer a simple, "I'm Sorry", "I Love You", or even "I don't know what to say" when words are at a loss.
Don't forget Dad. The Father might seem to be doing well, but remember he is not only grieving the loss of his baby, but trying to keep it together and in control for his wife and family.
Avoid comparing tragedies. Sharing stories can be comforting, but not when it feels like you're trying to "one-up" the loss. Each loss or trial someone experiences is extremely personal; and deserves to be treated with sensitivity.
Acknowledge the pregnancy and the loss, never ignore what happened. Some people feel it might be too painful if they bring it up, so they avoid talking about the experience altogether. However, this can be even more painful for the bereaved parents, feeling like no one is validating the existence of their baby or recognizing the loss. Please recognize the baby as part of our family.
Please keep is in your thoughts and prayers. Be patient; true healing may take a long time.
I have mentioned this several times before, but I wanted to say again how grateful I am for all the love and support we have received. It is amazing how much people really care! It has brought us so much comfort during this difficult time. Thank you!
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing this. And thanks for writing this blog. It's helpful to hear your feelings and maybe have a little more insight into what you're feelings.
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