Regrets

     As I sit back and think about everything that happened during those precious days I shared with Jackson, I still have a few small regrets.  We were so fortunate to have a lot of loving family members come to the hospital right away to support us.  It was very comforting to know how loved we are.  It was a very difficult night with so much confusion and stress.  Looking back, I wish Jason, Caden, Elise and I had more time together as a family with Jackson.  I appreciate so much all our loving relatives who came to be with us, but it was very overwhelming.  I obviously wasn't in the best mindset that night, and I don't even remember fully everything that went on.  Everything was so surreal.  I just wish we had a chance to be with Jackson for a little while alone that first night.  However, I am very grateful that so many of our close family members got to be there to hold him.  He was very loved and cherished in his short time here. I don't mean for this to sound like I am ungrateful at all for all the support we received during those first few hours.  I know we are very lucky to have so many family members live close by.   It's amazing they were able to get there so fast.  I just wish I had been coherent enough to ask for a few minutes alone with my baby.
     I also regret not being the one who dressed him for the first time. One of the most exciting things about having a new baby is being able to dress them in all their cute little outfits.   I was so tired and out of it when they brought in his beautiful little white outfit. I remember being worried that I would 'hurt' or 'break' him' (silly, I know).  He was so small and fragile.  I didn't want to damage him in any way.   I am so grateful that my mom offered to do it for me though.  I know that was a special experience she got to share with her grandson.
     I know much of what happened in those crazy few days was out of my control.  It's hard not to look back and think of how you would do things differently.  For the most part, I am very happy with how things were handled.  We experienced many tender mercies which have brought us closer to the Savior and strengthened our testimonies of Him.
     I am grateful for the special moments I did get to share alone with my son while we were in the hospital.  On the last night we were there, after everyone had gone, Jason and I had him brought to our room.  We were able to take pictures of our own and hold our little boy.  I got to rest with him wrapped in his blanket in my arms.  It was one of the most precious, sacred moments I got to share with my son.  I wish it could have lasted longer.
     My arms feel so empty right now.  It's a feeling I really cannot describe in words.  I miss my little boy so much!