Frustrated

     Lately I have been feeling a lot of different emotions.  Some days I feel like I am somewhat back to normal while the next day I am thrown into a deep depression.  One of the many emotions I have been feeling a lot of lately is frustration.  I am frustrated with so many things right now.  I feel like this blog is one of my 'safe places' to vent and I plan on doing that right now.  I don't mean to offend anyone, but these are my feelings and I need to express them:

• I am frustrated that I am not pregnant right now.  I should have been about ready to deliver.  I was really looking forward to having a fall baby and I am angry that I had this opportunity taken away from me.  I have been trying to track my ovulation so we can become pregnant again.  These past two cycles I have not been able to find my LH surge.  It has been very frustrating because I have always been able to find it in the past.  I have spent a fortune on ovulation predictor kits these past two years and I feel like there is no end in sight!
• I am frustrated at being virtually surrounded by pregnant women (literally- there are even two on my street).  Everywhere I turn I see another pregnant woman or a mom with a newborn and I am reminded of what I have lost.  It drives me crazy, because I feel like many of them don't even realize how lucky they are.  I can't stand hearing any of them complain about their pregnancy.  I wish they could understand that there are others who would switch places with them in a heart beat.  I am also having a hard time with their frequent posts on facebook and their blogs about their happy pregnancies and healthy babies.  While I am happy for them, it hurts to see that all the time.  I have over 30 people 'hidden' from my facebook feed.  Most people have been very sensitive and I really appreciate it, but it makes me sad that there are some people who just don't think about it at all and don't realize that they are inadvertently hurting others when they post so much.  
• I am frustrated that not many people I know have had to deal with something even remotely similar.  It has made me feel very alone.  I feel like I don't relate well to many of my old friends and family because they don't understand what I am going through.  It is agonizing going through this and feeling like I am the 'only one' while everyone else gets to keep their babies.  Since everyone is so unfamiliar with this type of loss they avoid talking about it all together.  
• I am frustrated that life has gone on all around me while I feel stuck in the same place.  Everyone has moved on.  People rarely ask me how I am doing anymore.  Everyone expects me to 'move on' and 'get over it' like it didn't even happen.  It really bothers me because this is not something you can ever 'get over', and especially not in less than 4 months.  I am trying my best to 'get on with my normal life' but it is extremely hard.  I think I appear to some like I am 'all better' but they don't realize that every day is a struggle.  Some days are easier than others, but that doesn't mean I am not entitled to my 'bad days'.
• I am frustrated that some people judge how others grieve.  They make comments about how 'some people handle things like this better than others'.  Comments like that really anger me because they often come from people who have never experienced this type of pain and yet they think they can pass judgment on just how well they think someone else is 'handling it'.  No one has the right to do that, ever.  People handle grieving in so many different ways.  While someone may appear weak they have strengths that may not be as visible to the outside world.  
• I am frustrated that I have had to deal with this for over two years now.  I thought I had paid my dues with the two miscarriages last year.  It drives me crazy that I have continued to struggle to even get pregnant let alone keep the baby while everyone else around me seems to be doing just fine.  
• I am frustrated that people rarely bring up Jackson when they talk to me.  I know some people think that it will 'remind me' and make me sad, but that is not the truth.  I want and need to talk about him.  And there is no way you would 'remind me' because I think about this loss every day.  Talking about it can be very healing.  I wish people weren't so uncomfortable bringing it up.  It feels like the elephant in the room.  Everyone dances around it in conversation, but they hesitate to ever bring it up.  Jackson is a very important part of our family and I want him to be remembered.  
• I am frustrated at some of the things people have said.  I know that most people mean well and did not intend to hurt me, but it's still hard to take.  I hate it when people say 'this was the Lord's plan for your family'.  Why is the Lord's plan for my family and not yours!  I also can't stand it when they say 'you need to learn something from this'.  I feel fine saying that to myself, but I can't stand hearing it from someone else.  Please don't tell me what to do!  I also don't like hearing 'he is in a better place' or 'the Lord needed him'.  I want and need him here too! 
• I am frustrated that I don't have a baby to hold.  I sometimes wish I had a doll or teddy bear to snuggle with.  It may sound silly, but I am suffering from 'empty arms'.  I was really looking forward to finally having a little baby to hold and take care of.  I have a whole dresser full of clothes and things that won't be used.  And I don't want to hold someone else's baby, I want to hold my baby.  

    I know many of these 'frustrations' probably came across really harsh and I am sorry for that, but these are my feelings that I have built up inside me and I needed to express them.  Surprisingly, I feel a little better after airing these grievances.